How the hell?!

Does paper beat rock? I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear that shit up in 2 second. When i play rock paper scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with paper, I can punch them in the face with my already clencehed fist and say, "Oh shit! I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole."