An explanation

I entered your fine eatery alone today. You greeted me with a great big smile and I was smitten immediately. You are gorgeous and exactly my type, down to the perfume you so delicately shared with me as you passed by. I'm really a normal guy and I'd like to explain myself. Perhaps we can put today's unfortunate events aside and start over in a few weeks, should I be lucky enough you read this.

Men are pigs. This is a simple fact of life. I'll be the first to admit it. That said, I was admiring you work for a while and was becoming more and more attracted to you. The more I watched, not all stalker like mind you, the more I was sure you were in fact as beautiful as I had first observed. When you came back to my table and offered to top off my coffee, I was so focused on being close to you, so enamored, I failed to recognize what was going on in my pants.

What I FELT was something foreign moving in my pants. What was ACTUALLY happening was, I was getting an erection. My first gut reaction was to immediately, without hesitation, rain death down upon this uninvited intruder. Kill it before it killed me.

What you SAW, was me grab my fork off the table and stab myself in the dick.

I was as shocked as you were. BELIEVE YOU ME! I'm not one to go around stabbing myself with forks all the time. Especially in the groinal region. This was a simple case of my "fight or flight" mechanism working overdrive. I was also as shocked as you at the sheer volume of blood involved.

I reached for a napkin to fashion a tourniquet with. You ran screaming for the phone to call th police. To say the least our time together did no go as I'd hoped. I did the only thing a self respecting guy could do. I tossed $40 down on a $5 tab and ran like a bitch.

What I'm looking for from you is just some information and perhaps a second chance.
Are the police still looking for me?
Do you want your napkin back?
Are you single?

I should be all healed up in a few weeks....Drinks?