Internet question

So as i was browsing the internet (as I do very frequently), I stumbled across a question that I thought intriguing. With that, I made a very strange and jumbled question even more strange and jumbled.


Question:
Who should i choose out of these girls?

Well this is the story... I started going out with this girl named Katie last year and a little bit this year and I became friends with another girl named Amber but we stayed friends the whole time. And while Katie and I were dating, these two girls named Vanessa and Ally flirted with me the whole time and then Katie broke up with me because of that, so Vanessa told me she like me and we almost went out (then i became friends with another girl named Becca) but ally asked me out first ( and then someone tole me Becca was going to try to break up Ally and I) but then I found out Amber like me so I broke up with Ally to go out with Amber and now I hear Becca's going to try to break up Amber and I.

Also-
Becca can't go out until she is 16 years old
Amber and I text more than talk
Vanessa doesn't like me as much any more and she's a slut
Ally isn't as hot as anyone else but like me the most
I don't like Ally as much as she like me
Becca and I talk like crazy

So who should I go out with and why?
Here are the choices:
-Amber
-Ally
-Becca
-Vanessa


My response:
Alright, let me tell you something, Trevor. Is your name Trevor? No? Well it is now. You see, Trevor, if you date Becca, you will be a child molester. I'm guessing you are like 18, or 36. So scratch Becca. Let's move on to Vanessa. You say she's a slut. Well, remember, when it comes to sluts, you got to look at the pros and cons Trevor. The cons definitely outweigh the pros here. Sluts come with herpes, syphilis, genital warts, and crabs. Do you want crabs, Trevor? I didn't think so. So bam! Just like that, Becca and Vanessa are gone.

Let's move onto Ally. You say Ally likes you the most. She sounds like a nice sweet girl. However, what you're saying is, you wouldn't "get wit dat" unless she was wearing a paper bag over her head. You are a shallow person, and Ally doesn't need a guy like that. You won't be happy. She won't be happy. It'd just be a bad combination, Trevor.

So that leaves Amber. I say go with Amber. She doesn't have herpes, she won't be illegal (I hope), and you won't be a shallow douche to her (at first). I know you like Becca, Trevor. I know you want ONNN DAT! But listen up Trevor. She's not even 16. Run away, just run away from that.

BECAUSE:
What happens when you go after little girls? Chris Hansen happens, Trevor. I don't want to see Trevor on "To Catch a Predator". Stick with Amber. Bam! Did you see how we accomplished that, Trevor? You give me the facts, and I throw them down, and we solve the problem. It's called teamwork, Trevor. I couldn't have done it without you. And you couldn't have done it without me.

Goodbye Trevor,
Until next time...